Are you worried about your abusive behaviour?

Are you worried about your behaviour towards your partner?
Have you been violent or abusive?
Do you think you have a problem controlling your anger with your partner?
Is your partner ever scared of or intimidated by you?

It can be tough facing up to difficult problems. Think hard and face up honestly to the things you have done. You might have done some things only once or twice, but in many cases you'll notice that there is a pattern to the abusive things you do. By making yourself more aware of your abusive behaviour it will become easier to make changes and stop.

You may not realise the devastating effect that violence and abuse has on children. Even if your children haven't seen you being violent or abusive, it is almost certain that they will have overheard things and felt the tension. Imagine how terrifying it is to hear your mother/father being abused, not to know how it will end, and not to be able to stop it.

Blaming your partner

  • Have you ever said:
    "He/she makes me angry"
    "He/she knows how to annoy me, and does it on purpose"
    "He/she nags me", "never listens to me", and "never believes me"
  • You think, "If only he/she would do / not do something, I wouldn't be abusive"
  • You feel that he/she needs to change in order for you to stop your violence

Alcohol, drugs, financial problems, a difficult childhood and stress are not excuses for abuse. One of the first steps to ending abuse is to take full responsibility for your behaviour. You need to recognise that it's up to you what you do and how you behave, and stop blaming your partner.

Your violence is a decision. It's a choice that you have made from the many different options open to you and you can choose differently. If you want to build a loving relationship, not one based on fear, you need to make changes. Just because you've been violent in the past doesn't mean you have to be violent ever again. Choose to stop.

You can get support and help to change. Contact Respect on 0808 802 4040. They will talk to you about what you can do to have a non-abusive relationship or signpost you to a Community Programme that will work with you to change.